Crossing the Homosexual Line

... not coming out but going into someone else. How do you honestly talk about someone else's sexuality without appearing demeaning or exploitative? I've debated on whether to put this bit from journals since this is a public blog. I've decided what the hell, but I'm leaving the person nameless. That's not the point.


It's a genuine and absolutely heartfelt question: how do you ask your friend if they're gay?


A friend of mine seems gay but has not come out publicly and has never even slightly mentioned it, but it's one of those things that slowly became apparent to me. I really do care about this person but I'm not sure if we're on intimate enough terms as friends to discuss something that personal. 
It's in the little things: habits, gestures, pitch in voice, the total seemingly lack of interest in the opposite sex, the long "single" status, music and films they like...
All these small things mean nothing alone, if you examine each in its own individual right. But when you combine them all they seem to create a synergistic effect, working together as a whole... it just suggests homosexuality.


JRNL ENTRY 1

Ok so last night I decided to ask Dan if he thought_____ was gay. I hardly got the question out: “Dan, come here. I want to ask you something. I know you don’t see _____ often but do you…” then he suddenly said, “yes I think ___ likes the sausage.” (That's Dan seemingly asshole way of referring to it, but don't hate him for it. He didn't mean it cruelly. He's just silly. One of Dan's best friends is gay.)

Anyway, something about hearing it affirmed from another person makes it almost too concrete for me and I’m beginning to truly believe it. At the very least he can’t be entirely straight. Either way, I still want to be every bit his friend as I ever was…if any change then closer friends. I like him the same. I honestly don’t mind at all. I now can see how the friendliness in his eyes was like a “two girls” kind of liking. How he'd want another female to confide and relate with. Sometimes he does feel like being friends with a girl.

Also, physically, he has those long eyelashes and feminine posture and way of walking…softer tone and pitch of voice, delicate skin and prim neat appearance. Almost over-washed. Very clean. He’s sweet and seems so tender like a woman sometimes.

Although, I hate seeing myself as some sort of fag hag as well, like God! I don’t want to be that stereotype… oh how quaint, let’s be such a girl with her little fun gay friend. But I do tend to be drawn to them in a natural way. I think I end up liking them honestly, and actually caring other than what the typical “fag hag” would. 

I think all these definitions about sexuality and gender identity are too boxed in and stringent. Even though we already have almost too many definitions, like a whole plethora of them, they still can’t cover it. It seems like there are too many definitions because we try to encapsulate an incredibly elusive and diverse thing. It seems to me sexuality can be as unique to each person as a fingerprint. And if we really were going to define it then we’d have as many definitions as there are people. I don’t like being thrown into a category or oversimplified. Plus there are all those goddamn stereotypes, annoying as hell. 

ENTRY 2 [quite chopped]

The last week since the gay thing has been sitting on my brain and I'm really starting believe it, especially since it's been objectified. He’s not bi or unsure. He’s got to be gay. Seems like it’s just a matter of time before he’ll come out. 

___ will tell me about obscure things he likes when we’re alone and he’s more willing to divulge those preferences but he won’t talk about it with (this person's best friend) because he knows he will turn it into a light-hearted joke that’s not meant to be hurtful necessarily…but reeks of lack of understanding, close-mindedness, regard for each person’s uniqueness. (the best friend) gets so squeamish about “weird” people. He’s so dismissive, to use that word again. Which, if _____ really is gay, is why he’s not told ____ about it. (the best friend) may be sort of bi-curious at best, or just hyper-sexual… but I really can’t see him as gay.

 One day, they both had on a similar sweater and it wasn’t a planned thing. (the best friend) drew attention to it and said, “we’re just homos now,” which was a joke at the time. It’s one of those things that’d be an out-of-place joke if ___ knew it were true. _____ hasn’t told him, if it is true.

And maybe I’m completely wrong about this. I don’t know. My trouble is thinking of a good way to ask him about it or talk about it. How do you do that? I feel we go back and forth with this “are we close friends or just acquaintances?” shit. And that’s a quite personal topic. You can’t just out and ask, “Are you queer?” That’s too blunt; I’d be afraid he’d think I was mocking him or trying to hurt him. I don’t want to exploit him about it. I genuinely care. I want to discuss the whole topic with him.