here's the way i answered it May 2007

oh what fun to dig through my old myspace blog!

THE FEMALE SURVEY
be truthful!

1. What color is your bra?
white, and slightly too small

2. Do you ever lie about your age?
no but today two construction workers guys though i was 17. It was funny. they shouted at me, "you arent old enough for college are you?' maybe in some ways they are right....haha

3. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys?"
sensitive

4. Do you prefer blond or dark haired guys?
hair is just...there. i dont know. why does it matter. i like either

5. Are you currently single?
no

6. What have you done in your past that you regret?
oh jeez.

7. What is the worst part of having your period?
funny you ask. its now! i guess its day or hours before it happens when i dont know exactly when it will happen. so i have to prepare...which is sometimes in vain. you know, like i'll take some tampons with me for the day but by the evening it still hasnt come...I hate that anticipation, you have to plan around it

8. Do you have a guy best friend? Who?
yeah. nick

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
grown down (still regressed as i am now)

10. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
no

12. Who was the last person you hugged?
hector, when he went to bed

13. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

14. Have you ever thought about having plastic surgery?
definitely not. gross

15. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't have them?
sure

18. Do you like your life?
yes. i like never knowing for sure what will happen tomorrow.

19. Do you shop at Hollister?
i dont even know what they sell. clothes probably

20. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? If so who?
um..maybe in junior high. but the fact that i dont really remember shows that it doesnt really matter

21. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
OUCH! i hope my friends wont pull knives on me.

22. Did you forgive and forget?
well i'd be dead if it happened

24. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
boys

25. How long have you had myspace?
um....since january of last year....so 1 1/2 years

26. Have you ever skipped school?
yeah

27. Has anyone ever cheated on you? If yeswho?
too complicated, and i dont feel like going into it at 2:30  inthe morning

28. Have you ever cheated on a someone?
never, and i never would

30. What is one of your biggest fears?
being alone, and no one remembering me after i die.

31. Have you ever skipped class?
didnt you ask this already?

32. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
arg...hasnt this happened to everyone?

33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yeah

34. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yes

35. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
ok

37. What color are your underwear?
um...pink...two shades

38. What is your screen name?
idk

39.What do you think of this survey?
non entertaining

40. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
frequently

41. Have you ever slept in the same bed with one of your guy friends (no sexually stuff)?
yeppers. on many occasions actually. i used to sleep with my friends in kindersgarten all the time. or they'd come to my house. a few of my guys friends too, when i got older

42. Do you ever wish you were famous?
no, introverts hisssssss at it

43. Do you ever wish you were a boy?
hmmmm. no. i wish there were no genders at all

44. Do you ever hear a song that reminds you of an ex' and you think of all the good times you had?
yeah.

45.Do you think any men will open this just because it's labeled "The Female Survey"?
i dont really care...unless its dan

people should be obsessed with each other much more often

because i am obsessed with quite a few people. i stalk them and find ways to find out all i can know. i want to see so much, but never to harm them of course. Actually, it's because i love truly seeing people and all the lovely shades of their humanity. i am a class A, damn near professional nosey snoop. sorry if it's offensive to you. but seriously if someone were rummaging through all my most personal possessions just because they were burning livid hot with curiosity about me, i would be endlessly flattered.
i feel like no one is obsessed with me. no one ever seems to be paying any fucking attention. am i that boring on the outside? i don't believe anyone is boring.
I am probably just one of those non-American minded people that feels foreign within my own culture. Because I like it better when a group is connected is a honest, self-relenting way and every one is primarily concerned with the group's well being instead of that cut throat "every man for himself" attitude. i like when people help each other and care for each other. i like when we're all being so considerate and sensitive to another's state of mind/emotions/ needs etc.
sure i like alone time and i need to get away from being social sometimes. but i always want that extremely intimate, tender connection with people. i feel like almost no one i know is receptive to that sort of thing though. people have too much shame, too much sense of distrust, too much self-absorbedness.
if you bothered to read this, then you were seeking me out in some way and i probably am obsessed with you. truly.. really i actually very likely am. and i love you

i still want to go over to my friend's house and just spend the night and sleep in their bed with them like we did when we were little kids. but, no, there's much too much sexual implication now. it's too "weird"
can we hug more and play with each others hair? im probably actually one of those annoying touchy feely people. i want to be close to people all the time. tooooo close.
but most of my friends wouldn't describe me that way. they have no idea im like that.
i think i put on a good facade of what appears "normal" but at the end of the day i am completely frustrated, sad and love-deprived.
if i had no inhibition i would hug people every time i saw them, take their hands more (boy or girl, doesnt matter) etc. like you do with your family. kiss their face.
but you cant just go around doing that. people get upset.

I also just spend SO much time delving into someone's past and asking all kinds of questions. if i go to their house i go through all their things that are out in the open. i go through all their things in the bathroom. i should probably be ashamed at my total disregard for privacy...but somehow im just not.
it's only because i think they are a fascinating person and i don't think they're showing me who they are when we're face-to-face. i want to see more. so i go looking for it in the debris of their life.
i peruse facebook and old myspace blogs... do google searches.. look up their old high school. i feel like all this is normal... but it jsut seems to me that everyone else would call that stalking.
God, maybe i'm just a freak. oh well.

i still think people should get more obsessed with each other.
it's fucking so sweet and flattering.

can we just skip this week? looks pretty shitty

look who just crawled right up into my lap!

quiz-type thing. but not by STP

100 pts to whomever knows the song I just poorly did some word play off of!

1. What time did you get up this morning?

well it is morning now. so 12:32am 

yesterday i got up at 7

work work fun fun!

2. How do you like your steak?

really well done, almost burnt. probably more dry than anyone else would like.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Black Swan

4. What is your favorite TV show?

House

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

some non-touristy european country. i suck at geography and haven't traveled nearly enough to be more specific. 

6. What did you have for breakfast?

adams pasta. with tiny pepperonis and sausage. lots of oozy cheese. it was tasty

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Chinese

8. What foods do you dislike?

cauliflower, asparagus, licorice, anise, white bread, cheap processed food

i just have to say, though, that pineapple is fucking delicious.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Los Laureles

10. Favorite dressing?

Italian

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

03 Chevy Impala, blue

12. What are your favorite clothes?

with good color. i like wearing maroon, teal, black or brown. also navy blue…oh and green, but not classic bright green. more like that low-saturated green or dull green, forest green is nice too.

i like my shirts long and leanish. i hate shirts that ride up and show my stomach. arg. i feel so gross and slutty about it. I also like pants that fit snug to my legs but not like tight in the sexy way. just snug. baggy looks frumpy i think. i have to get the "short" or petite ones since im so short and small. like a midget. 

mostly i like modest clothing, but i think of clothing more in an artistic way than for sexifying. i love how clothes can change an appearance or be this display of art. 

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Germany, for my heritage. im mostly German genetically. i's love all that beer and bread…not to stereotype. 

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

im just happy there's something to drink… so i guess that answer is "full"

15. Where would you want to retire?

by constantly moving around and seeing the world… maybe not in a motorhome though. just plane tickets and rented cars

16. Favorite time of day?

late at night. after 10pm

17. Where were you born?

dezz mow Nezz. at Broadlawns since my mom was on social security or something at the time. She lived on her own and worked at Wendy's at the time. she worked hard but had almost no money and i think no health ins other than state aid. so she had to have me at that hospital. i guess i turned out ok. 

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

none

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

im not putting it on fb to tag. so everyone.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

see last answer

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

see two answers back

22. Bird watcher?

yes actually, also squirrels.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

night time, most definitely

24. Do you have any pets?

always have. we have 3 cats right now: Kubla Khan, Jasper Binx & Xanadu

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?

i got a $168 speeding tkt the other day. f**k!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

vet

27. What is your best childhood memory?

digging around in the medicine cabinet. being at Joan and Myron's.

playing in my grandma's basement with my cousins ashley and lou

videogames with my brother.

recording songs off the radio on cassette tapes

my mom's breakfasts. eggs bacon pancakes etc. yum

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

cat, but i like dogs too. i love all animals.

29. Are you married?

no

30. Always wear your seat belt?

yes, but mostly out of habit….which is good i 'suppose

31. Been in a car accident?

not a major one, to where i was injured. But been in the ditch a few times and flew through someone's yard once. i'm probably going to die in a car. 

32. Any pet peeves?

just arrogance i guess. i don't like how some people can be so dismissive. they don't try to see the humanity in others. they categorize them and stereotype them so quickly and miss out on all the interesting things.  or they treat them in this way of "what can i get out of you?" …for example entertainment. i don't like when people stop caring just because you wont be a clown for them and makes them laugh every 2 seconds. some people aren't funny… and that shouldn't be this horrid detriment to friendship.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?

vegetables and mushrooms. and black olives. and canadian bacon. 

yum. generally i just like it with tons of stuff on it. but i really don't like meat lovers. MUSHROOMS are an absolute must.  

34. Favorite Flower?

 lilies

35. Favorite ice cream?

i love mint choc but i also really love the bubblegum one

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Arbys

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

2… again i probably should not drive. im not a bad driver i just don't take it seriously enough. i need to stop thinking of it like i do now. i underestimate its killing power. i speed too often and sometimes get a little risky. i drive way different when i have other people in the car. im much more conscious of being safe. sometimes if i like them a lot i get distracted and just want to talk to them and start getting absorbed in talking. oye. like a true girl

38. From whom did you get your last email?

when i first glanced at this i thought it said "last name"

it'd either be my dad or someday husband…i was thinking what a boring question.

last email was….errr…someone at work likely. i have more than one email acct. sooo.. who knows?

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

im not going to be maxing out any credit cards.

40. Do anything out of your comfort zone recently?

um. just being more social with people i guess. im mostly introverted and i don't like instigating things. i hate feeling like that awkward unwanted person. where the other person is thinking "please leave me alone and go away" but i think that's an overreaction. i have this complex where i will instantly stop talking to people if i sense a tiny bit of unwelcome. it's silly and irrational. i mostly like just being alone but sometimes it gets too lonely. i decided i want to be better friends with people and the only way is to just talk to them and get over my silly social dysfunctions. 

41. What was your favorite vacation?

going down south with my gma and gpa. we drove to Texas and three states over to the east. it was so fun. we ventured down into Mexico too.

also going to Galveston with my mom and brother was fun.

42. Last person you went out to dinner with?

um. i think it was katy to Tsing Tsao. unless you count lunches at work. in that case it was Adam to taco johns. 

43. What are you listening to right now?

VR

44. What is your favorite color?

blue

45. How many tattoos do you have?

none. i love looking at other peoples' tattoos but i'll never get one myself. i don't like the idea of something being on my body that i can never take back off. i change my mind too often to pick out something like that. there is just not one thing i could put on my skin i know i will always like. 

46. How many are you tagging for this quiz?

enough with this fucking question!

47.Coffee Drinker?

yes. i love it, even if it is bad for me. 

fwenz

too many people come wanting to call me friend but ultimately seek out making me a personal jester, “oh please entertain me!” endlessly, endlessly
The lines come and the empty laughs, small talk and desperation is the primary fuel, loneliness the looming fear. Still, the façade burgeons on and, all at once, will, quickly as it exploded into existence, burn out in the greatest intensity. I, left standing alone with nothing but scorch marks from that cheap star wonder at the absurdity.

Crossing the Homosexual Line

... not coming out but going into someone else. How do you honestly talk about someone else's sexuality without appearing demeaning or exploitative? I've debated on whether to put this bit from journals since this is a public blog. I've decided what the hell, but I'm leaving the person nameless. That's not the point.


It's a genuine and absolutely heartfelt question: how do you ask your friend if they're gay?


A friend of mine seems gay but has not come out publicly and has never even slightly mentioned it, but it's one of those things that slowly became apparent to me. I really do care about this person but I'm not sure if we're on intimate enough terms as friends to discuss something that personal. 
It's in the little things: habits, gestures, pitch in voice, the total seemingly lack of interest in the opposite sex, the long "single" status, music and films they like...
All these small things mean nothing alone, if you examine each in its own individual right. But when you combine them all they seem to create a synergistic effect, working together as a whole... it just suggests homosexuality.


JRNL ENTRY 1

Ok so last night I decided to ask Dan if he thought_____ was gay. I hardly got the question out: “Dan, come here. I want to ask you something. I know you don’t see _____ often but do you…” then he suddenly said, “yes I think ___ likes the sausage.” (That's Dan seemingly asshole way of referring to it, but don't hate him for it. He didn't mean it cruelly. He's just silly. One of Dan's best friends is gay.)

Anyway, something about hearing it affirmed from another person makes it almost too concrete for me and I’m beginning to truly believe it. At the very least he can’t be entirely straight. Either way, I still want to be every bit his friend as I ever was…if any change then closer friends. I like him the same. I honestly don’t mind at all. I now can see how the friendliness in his eyes was like a “two girls” kind of liking. How he'd want another female to confide and relate with. Sometimes he does feel like being friends with a girl.

Also, physically, he has those long eyelashes and feminine posture and way of walking…softer tone and pitch of voice, delicate skin and prim neat appearance. Almost over-washed. Very clean. He’s sweet and seems so tender like a woman sometimes.

Although, I hate seeing myself as some sort of fag hag as well, like God! I don’t want to be that stereotype… oh how quaint, let’s be such a girl with her little fun gay friend. But I do tend to be drawn to them in a natural way. I think I end up liking them honestly, and actually caring other than what the typical “fag hag” would. 

I think all these definitions about sexuality and gender identity are too boxed in and stringent. Even though we already have almost too many definitions, like a whole plethora of them, they still can’t cover it. It seems like there are too many definitions because we try to encapsulate an incredibly elusive and diverse thing. It seems to me sexuality can be as unique to each person as a fingerprint. And if we really were going to define it then we’d have as many definitions as there are people. I don’t like being thrown into a category or oversimplified. Plus there are all those goddamn stereotypes, annoying as hell. 

ENTRY 2 [quite chopped]

The last week since the gay thing has been sitting on my brain and I'm really starting believe it, especially since it's been objectified. He’s not bi or unsure. He’s got to be gay. Seems like it’s just a matter of time before he’ll come out. 

___ will tell me about obscure things he likes when we’re alone and he’s more willing to divulge those preferences but he won’t talk about it with (this person's best friend) because he knows he will turn it into a light-hearted joke that’s not meant to be hurtful necessarily…but reeks of lack of understanding, close-mindedness, regard for each person’s uniqueness. (the best friend) gets so squeamish about “weird” people. He’s so dismissive, to use that word again. Which, if _____ really is gay, is why he’s not told ____ about it. (the best friend) may be sort of bi-curious at best, or just hyper-sexual… but I really can’t see him as gay.

 One day, they both had on a similar sweater and it wasn’t a planned thing. (the best friend) drew attention to it and said, “we’re just homos now,” which was a joke at the time. It’s one of those things that’d be an out-of-place joke if ___ knew it were true. _____ hasn’t told him, if it is true.

And maybe I’m completely wrong about this. I don’t know. My trouble is thinking of a good way to ask him about it or talk about it. How do you do that? I feel we go back and forth with this “are we close friends or just acquaintances?” shit. And that’s a quite personal topic. You can’t just out and ask, “Are you queer?” That’s too blunt; I’d be afraid he’d think I was mocking him or trying to hurt him. I don’t want to exploit him about it. I genuinely care. I want to discuss the whole topic with him.

Amelie and Howling Bells

i think the song by the Howling Bells called "Ms. Bell's Song/Radio Wars Theme" sounds like the intro song played in the film Amelie. (most significantly the piano motif.


Listen:

supper update: turned out pretty damn tasty!

I ended up not adding the tomato sauce as it was not dry to eat once done. the cheese is absolutely necessary though otherwise it would be boring.  the meat is a lot of the flavor but since there was little oil or fat the cheese has to provide that. otherwise the pasta would be bland and too plain. it would bank on the seasoning for all its flavor which isn't quite enough. 

although it's the garlic and parsley that make it taste so generically and easily "italian"

i did add a small amount of water before sticking it in the oven despite the meat and pasta already being fully-cooked. the oven melts the cheese and the cheese sort of blends it all together into one dish, like smoldering. 

it was overall very easy to cook, which is why its featured on foodnetwork.com. they're known for posting simplified recipes that make anyone feel so "cheftastic" I've never made this before and i substituted a lot and left out things and it still tasted really good, but I always alter recipes anyway. I can't help myself. 

I also threw on some broccoli florets since i love and the meal needed some more green. Also we had some jalapeno bites because Dan wanted them. more cheese…mmmmm

here's what I'm cooking for the big lunch/dinner for Sunday:

Italian Baked Chicken and Pastina

mine looked a little different since I didnt have any shredded cheese. I chopped and crumbled a block of cheese instead (by hand) since I dont have a cheese grater either. (some kitchen I know!)

I also left out the onions and just did onion powder since I didnt feel like chopping them and all we have are red onions and those may be too strong. 

I was tempted to add a can of tomato sauce since it looked so damn dry but decided to leave it alone and see what it tastes like. i can add some hot later if needed. It's baking now so I haven't tasted it yet. 

I'll put up a pic of how mine came out later. (better, ha!)

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/italian-baked-chicken-and-pastina-recipe/index.html

.

isn't it sad that the most honest love i know is the kind only in my head and not real?

SOOOO excited for Portal 2

Recently been delving into the original Portal, which was released in 2007. Great game, almost have it beat and I started it a few days ago. I could do it all in one day if I were back into the lazy days of in between college and first job and there was just endless time.
This game being short in length makes you feel like you zoomed through and you're so clever and smart, but I do hope Portal 2 will be longer.
There was one section where there was a long fall and i had to put a blue portal above the fall on a "usable platform" and then a orange one below. Jump into it and endlessly fall over and over and over. so cool.
or you can put it on two adjacent walls and start running. it's like an endless hall.
those lazer-bots are annoying as hell though. although they have zero peripheral vision and can easily be picked up from behind and tossed against the wall. even if you do it gently, they topple over and die.
if you pick up the brick and nudge against them they fall over too.
level...16 i think. i never did figure out what that orange hole was for. it opens and closes periodically.
there was a clump of bricks under it. i thought at first you were supposed to reverse gravity somehow since it's on the ceiling. but theres no where on that level with a high enough fall to hit it with enough force. so.... i got the end without even using it. they just put it there to mess with your mind!
i hope also that portal 2 is more difficult and doesn't get too involved with its story line. i don't want a story, just the puzzles. i like my brain teased.

self. look!

i think i have a healthy amount of self-love. sometimes when i get bored i take really conceited looking pictures of myself. kind of dumb but at the same time, self-interest is endless. it is in human nature to be so egocentric and preoccupied with yourself. children do it before they realize that, when you're older, people start thinking you selfish for it or just silly. i'm intensely interested in myself but also as equally interested in other people. i am a real humanist and probably have too much compassion. is too much possible? i could endlessly go into someone else's humanity. whenever Im at someone's home I get incredibly nosey and have absolutely no inhibition. it's shameful how i just start perusing through their things without regard for privacy. but it's not an exploit! From me, it's actually a compliment because i think you're fascinating and i just want into your personal arena. i'm so goddamn nosey though...

oh!

i love you so.

but why i love you, i never know.