Hallmark.

the other day at Hallmark a lady was asking for an ornament for the father-daughter relationship and the woman who works there had so much trouble coming up with even anything at all besides an ornament. She said, "well i don't think they do that one. of course there's mother daughter. and..... well, we have just 'DAD'  stuff."
I'm trying not to view it as a microcosm, or representative of life itself; It's more comforting as an isolated incident. Somehow I'm not surprised though, at the subtle relay of our family structures. Plenty of men are good fathers. But they're like the Northern Lights- grand, splendid, rare, transparent, and only in certain spaces and times.
I'm trying to see the world outside my own experience, and not slate my cold hard truths and beliefs about what's here and how we function as humanity just on what happens to me.
But it's hard to ignore these little things isn't it? It's hard to say they're not hints.

Thoughts on John Michael

progressive bits from journal:

4-30-2011

God, today has been weird. Yesterday John died and it’s all I can think about. I don’t really know what I’m going to say; I don’t have anything grand in mind. But I start these entries like this sometimes without any real direction and somehow I end up saying that one thing I had to get out and say. Then I finally feel better.

What can I say? It’s fucking stupid that he died. I hate it. Can’t imagine a worse pick by fate to pick off.

He likes my word play; he liked “much too much love to love with” I like his wit too and I love his humor…

Sweet kind heart. So open and intellectual. So damn interesting. I called him a “sigh of relief to the human race” once. He always will be.

I took some time to read my old entries back at the end of 09 and into 2010 when we talked a lot on Facebook and I documented quite a lot of it...the heart of it anyway. We always have kept up this online friendship all this time but at that time it seemed to really explode. I mean, we’d have 4 hours chat sessions!

He always has had this striking effect on me, always. Way back even while we were at GV. He’d be in class and I’d be drawn to him, I’d notice him… seemed so familiar in the beginning even though we’d not said more than a few sentences to each other. It’s always seemed like he has a soul made from the same substance as mine; more than anything I love him like I love my brother. That particular feeling used to make me confused but now that he’s gone, I realize how it substantially and without a doubt it trumps all other feelings. He was so good, so nice. Sociable and kind to everybody.

Details are not concrete. I found a few articles:

Whotv: http://www.whotv.com/who-story-wrong-way-fatal-crash-042911,0,1485486.story

KCCI: http://www.kcci.com/news/27716816/detail.html

5-2-11

The night before the morning John died a bird blew into my car. It was parked too, sitting at the library on the south side. It was probably around 7pm. I had come to pick up some holds, mainly Kaki King; the car’s engine was off, and I had one leg out from the backseat as I was searching for a lost CD (Highway Rider by Brad Mehldau)… found it under my middle console. Then I heard this tremendous THUD!

I looked up and saw through the windshield this awkwardly flying bird pass over from the right to left. He landed awkwardly about 20 feet away, fluttered his wings and feathers amongst two other birds. I sat stunned but laughed. I soon forgot it after I went inside and got the holds.

How could I possibly know what was going to happen to him in mere hours? I’ve heard of birds crashing into things like windows and cars as a omen to death, but usually for the death of the person who sees it. If it truly meant something, why so subtle? Why so ambiguous?

We always wish to go back. Agonizing time, moving and changing constantly. One moment to the next passes and you lose all opportunity. I want to go back and call him then, just to see what he was up to that night. Just anything… but I didn’t then. It’s over now.

Although, I felt compelled to text him last Monday just 4 days before he died. It was pouring rain and I was driving home listening to Eno’s Another Day on Earth, specifically the track “Just Another Day”  and texted him the whole phrase “It’s just another day on earth” knowing he loved Eno too and would know exactly what I meant. I just had this overwhelming feeling I should send something to him, that it was important. Plus, the phrase felt right with the day… Of course, he replied right away telling me how that comment just made his day better.

There’s always been that kind of instant understanding of music between us, so easy.

But the bird...I don’t understand why these feelings and images present themselves to me if I’m not able to take them seriously or see the real meaning in it. What was I to do? Were there other things around that I missed, things that would have completed the warning enough for me to do something? Am I just feeling all the guilt of grief right now? Probably. But I can’t forget that damn bird…

And I hate the chaos answer, that there was nothing I could do and that there was no fault and no way to tell. Why the hell not? I want to believe we have some sort of warning system in our world, some sort of way to tell, to protect each other. Sounds better than sitting by like helpless stupid creatures.

Also listening to Eno’s Drawn from Life lately. “Rising Dust” “Persis” and “Bloom” are best.

All seems to pertain. These two albums were my focus all through last week and still now. His death just happened right in the middle.

I’ve always felt connected to him in a way that I can’t explain. There was something so similar. Maybe our too much alike dreamy & romantic sympathetic state of mind…soft-hearted and emotional. Crying at songs. Love to write. Love to be analytical, introspective, too much thinking.

Damnit I miss him. I miss feeling that, even if only in the outskirts of my physical world. But spiritually he always seemed to be right near me, like we had similar inner lining and substance. I'm sure he made a lot of people feel this way. He had a way of doing that. But he makes you feel like you're tucked away in your own corner and you have your own special time with him.

I could say the most emotionally-drenched, philosophically expanded & over-thought piece of “nonsense” and he’d put some comment on it on Facebook that made the most sense, like he was really the only one who could truly empathize. He took the time to read my blogs and notes and dreams when no one else did. We’d talk for hours on IM, or  over the course of a few days through comments. Doesn’t really seem to matter to me now that we didn’t spend a lot of time together face-to-face through the last few years. He was in Alaska for awhile so it wasn’t do-able then. When he moved back last summer I guess I was just preoccupied. I do feel guilty about that. Why didn’t I try? Our online friendship thrived always, and has never really tapered off… Facebook has this immense black hole for me now. I wish we’d hung out more in person. I’m just glad I did at least once… and it was barely a week before he died. How lucky. It seemed to me that day that things would finally pick up. I sat there wondering why the hell I didn’t come over sooner. Why did I get so distracted? I felt like it was just the beginning to being real friends outside of the cyber-realm.

Now he’s just gone, ripped from life so harshly and violently.

5 11 11         

I think the moment you really contribute something into the universe, you don’t realize you’re doing it. It feels the most like life so it fills you up all the way and requires all of your physical presence, including any attention to social perception… or any other kind of “impressive impression.”

What were great people thinking in their 20s? Anything remotely as silly as me? I can’t imagine not thinking anymore.

I wish John hadn’t died. I miss knowing there was someone else out there that I know I could strike up a conversation with randomly and he’d just go with it and the talking still be chalk full of meaning. He’d put so much effort into being meaningful. I miss feeling lost with him, in the same young and directionless way. The truly not knowing what to do with your life and truly being vexed by that… it’s painful enough as it is and it’s worse alone. I know I’m not really alone. But he was the best at making it feel less lonely. 90% of the time it was in indirect ways he never knew meant anything to me. Other times there’d be such a mutual feeling it was powerful. I honestly can’t understand the good his death could possibly be. Makes me believe more and more about some events in the universe being truly random and separate of divine order…. Not that it discredits God, but I can’t imagine him doing that on purpose. It’s stupid.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say anymore. It feels better to stop, be motionless and still…. And not feel so much. Not breathe so much. It’s the hardest thing in the world to try with 0 motivation. Harder than any task itself could ever be. And it doesn’t matter what it’s asking of you. You could ask the strongest human being on the planet to disassemble a mountain and then ask me to push one small button, and if inside me I can’t find the compelling drive and passion….  then my job is harder.

5 24 11      

seems like maybe eventually it will get better that you're gone. but it only gets worse as i slowly peel away my denial and the anguish slowly rises. over and over it seems so impossible in my mind, not you, you were so good. Fate really picked off the cream of the crop of humanity.

But nothing you did or said or were has anything to do with it. it's not about whether you deserved it.

we all can't help but ask: why was this allowed by God? how could it happen; where was your protection?

Is you dying a lesson for the people who love you? Do you have a greater purpose in death? i cant imagine any way i could be wiser or receive a life principle that's worth more than your life. I'd rather be stupid and have you instead.

random neurosis and my inability to be socially normal [from 02/07/2011]

ok I’m ready now to be reasonable. I really need to forget. How does one go about it, this complete erasature of an entire inner world of intense love! What am I really supposed to do? Why is it supposed to hurt?




No one ever showed me they believed in me. Not in my extraordinary sights and mind and imagination, nor my music or art, nor my writing or linguistic lush, nor creative bursts and inner songs. To them, my ways always have been goober, overly emotional or just mediocre. They react in the way you pat the head of a child.

Jesters tend to provoke more attention, but I can’t approach the world that way. So I get overlooked.

And I struggle to build up enough of my own belief and reliability. But often find I am content enough to live inside forever and never go out and change the world. I am happy with the small simple things and being alone, never making a grand alteration to humanity, never being famous. I don’t expect thousands or even hundreds to show up at my funeral. And this is totally ok with me.



It’s all so much better as a secret. At this point I’ve built up too much expectation. I don’t think I can handle disappointment. I can’t handle not being fulfilled with what is not there.

It will be like that phantom stair you think is there and you raise your leg and bring it down only on that jarring feeling of plunging through empty space.

bleak bite

just had a sudden feeling of immense sadness, where i could feel all the meaning drain from my life... i'm starting to see it for all its bleak triviality and plainness. how unextraordinary i am and never will be. a part of me is ok with being average; i'm not trying to impress anyone. but i'm still sitting waiting for that "ok" feeling again, a calm and settled arrangement of my universe. the older i get the more impossible it becomes. the harder i try the more hope i lose. it's not going to change. all things around me change but this one thing just wont. i can never go home again.
i get older, die more every day and don't care about it. i don't feel that passionate sort of carpe diem where i want so much out of my life. everything around me is so plain and simple, more than ever it's unfulfilled and blase as hell. i'm reaching a new state of numbness i've never known... is this really adulthood?
my job is making me stupider. its making my brain mush, i can feel my IQ fading out until i lose all of any splendor i can even feign to have.
i keep trying to make friends but none of them feel real. it's never as genuine and intimate as i need. i hate all our American social conventions. i hate what's considered funny, sexy, impressive, worthwhile. talking to people has become like competing with a TV. people only want to be entertained as if you were their own personal tv show. seconds are hours to them. oh no! you stood there so silent, breathless... don't you have some quip witty thing to spout out, so plotted staged and scripted... as if they are all beginning to truly believe conversations (actual human conversations) work that way.
maybe they don't believe it fully yet, but a part of their mind's appetite wont tolerate its absense.

i only slept three hours last night, maybe that's why my mind is off... and stupider.
i tried to play piano and was astounded at how incapable i was at it right now. it was terrible. made me even sadder. i wanted to do it to feel better. music tends to be that one thing that saves me.
i guess iPod instead.

most people have no idea how sad i am. i dont really want to make it apparent because i dont care if anyone cares. i dont believe it makes any difference anyway. what can they do? i believe they are as hopeless as i am, but lucky enough to be ignorant to it. or blissfully distracted.
life is just a string of distractions. there is no meaning. it's all random chaos.

doing.

one thousand menial & trivial tasks fritter away days



and can never compare


to a mere handful of slow-paced deeply brain-delved languish and lush


array of curiosities


so tell me, who accomplished more?

There were powerful times in my life that happened during certain events, like my brother’s wrestling meets. But it really has little to do with those events. It’s only associated to it. They merely happened at the same time. But it was more something from inside myself, the way I was seeing things in my own mind rather than any external thing affecting me or triggering something.



I used to sit in empty hallways with all the lights off and only distant human voice, listening to music. One winter I smoked cigarettes in a classroom doorway. I remember those days of being a truly angsty teenager, feeling isolated but liking it a little. Even then you’re searching, but not knowing yet you’re going to spend the rest of life searching for who you are and what your life means, without getting any answers. And being sort of “bad” (the trespassing to those hallways wasn’t allowed; the doors were locked after all) seemed to give me some vague sense of purpose, or a taste of real intent. Something in my action felt alive for once. It’s the first taste at stepping outside of what you’re used to, stepping outside safety. Somehow it seems worth it to be in trouble.


I realize a lot of these times were just positioned throughout my life in moments of seclusion and introspection. They seem odd ly associated to the events around them but they stand alone. They are sectioned off as gems and only tied as if on a necklace. They string can easily give way, but the gems remain gems. They emerged more out of convenience and almost my soul’s necessary snatching. I was alone spending time at Richard’s house, my first year of college at Central, and in the hospital when I had leukemia. Rides in my car and in bed at night are shorter bursts, but made from the same substance, and me doing the same with it.


Also, the roaming in bathrooms to examine my skin and liking the old yellowish lighting in the bathrooms. Those sinks had to be from the 60s


…. more later

never knew sites like this existed...

but i shouldn't be surprised

http://www.beautifulcervix.com/cervix-photo-galleries/photos-of-cervix/

Just a bunch of photos of cervixes. i really wonder how she got those angles with the right lighting and everything to see it so well. Does she have a tiny camera to stick in her vagina?
I can only look at this site so long. It's not necessarily disgusting or anything it's just, i dont know. i have no interest in what her cervix is doing or to compare it to mine. I see how the only reason you'd be interested in this site is for fertility reasons. Speaking of which, by the looks of the site I'm probably ovulating now. better stay away from the sex for awhile...

what i feel about you

just a bit of the most honest and platonic kind of love but so misplaced, arranged in the worst setting, so hopeless... makes me helpless and guilt-ridden. makes me weak and pathetic, silently begging... god!
but i wouldnt let it go for anything. i cant stop.

i want to talk to you all day even if we talk about absolutely nothing.


feeling a bit manic today or something. i think there is something wrong with me. i cant work. ia m taking so long to get the smallest fucking thing done. i had to run outside a few hours ago and bounce in the snow and kick it in the sun light to make myself feel better. i cant be inside right now. uughggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have OT tonight too. i dont want to stay but i do every time. oh well. something magnanimous is bothering me underneath it all, in my soul. abrasive , tearing, gah. i feel slightly angry today for no apparent reason. i feel like i want to run away and be alone for 400 days and not talk to one human person.

only ones who are completely honest... maybe just ONE person.
open sheer honesty. god. im feeling just too human today
too much like an animal.

Also, I'm all so.

seems like out there it's always hundreds of things but, in here, it's always just one.
just one solid thing i always know through and through. sound and pure and true and fucking incredible.
 

me taste.

everything i like always ends up being either French or Japanese based.
with such predominance that I wonder if at heart I am just so non-American in culture. I think i belong in a more romantic culture like French; maybe that's a stereotype. I think I do even better Japanese.
ah complex, i have to explore this more....there's too much i dont know about japanese culture.

bloobidy boo

I've decided I think the best skin products are Nivea and Aveeno.

Although Nivea is German-made and since I'm mostly German genetically maybe it just… nah! what a silly notion.

Aveeno is a Johnson&Johnson product too which is manufactured in NJ and I love those facial scrubbing pads they make.

sometimes...

in all that nonsensical babble, the clearest picture of humanity resides

here's the way i answered it May 2007

oh what fun to dig through my old myspace blog!

THE FEMALE SURVEY
be truthful!

1. What color is your bra?
white, and slightly too small

2. Do you ever lie about your age?
no but today two construction workers guys though i was 17. It was funny. they shouted at me, "you arent old enough for college are you?' maybe in some ways they are right....haha

3. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys?"
sensitive

4. Do you prefer blond or dark haired guys?
hair is just...there. i dont know. why does it matter. i like either

5. Are you currently single?
no

6. What have you done in your past that you regret?
oh jeez.

7. What is the worst part of having your period?
funny you ask. its now! i guess its day or hours before it happens when i dont know exactly when it will happen. so i have to prepare...which is sometimes in vain. you know, like i'll take some tampons with me for the day but by the evening it still hasnt come...I hate that anticipation, you have to plan around it

8. Do you have a guy best friend? Who?
yeah. nick

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
grown down (still regressed as i am now)

10. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
no

12. Who was the last person you hugged?
hector, when he went to bed

13. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

14. Have you ever thought about having plastic surgery?
definitely not. gross

15. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't have them?
sure

18. Do you like your life?
yes. i like never knowing for sure what will happen tomorrow.

19. Do you shop at Hollister?
i dont even know what they sell. clothes probably

20. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? If so who?
um..maybe in junior high. but the fact that i dont really remember shows that it doesnt really matter

21. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
OUCH! i hope my friends wont pull knives on me.

22. Did you forgive and forget?
well i'd be dead if it happened

24. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
boys

25. How long have you had myspace?
um....since january of last year....so 1 1/2 years

26. Have you ever skipped school?
yeah

27. Has anyone ever cheated on you? If yeswho?
too complicated, and i dont feel like going into it at 2:30  inthe morning

28. Have you ever cheated on a someone?
never, and i never would

30. What is one of your biggest fears?
being alone, and no one remembering me after i die.

31. Have you ever skipped class?
didnt you ask this already?

32. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
arg...hasnt this happened to everyone?

33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yeah

34. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yes

35. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
ok

37. What color are your underwear?
um...pink...two shades

38. What is your screen name?
idk

39.What do you think of this survey?
non entertaining

40. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
frequently

41. Have you ever slept in the same bed with one of your guy friends (no sexually stuff)?
yeppers. on many occasions actually. i used to sleep with my friends in kindersgarten all the time. or they'd come to my house. a few of my guys friends too, when i got older

42. Do you ever wish you were famous?
no, introverts hisssssss at it

43. Do you ever wish you were a boy?
hmmmm. no. i wish there were no genders at all

44. Do you ever hear a song that reminds you of an ex' and you think of all the good times you had?
yeah.

45.Do you think any men will open this just because it's labeled "The Female Survey"?
i dont really care...unless its dan

people should be obsessed with each other much more often

because i am obsessed with quite a few people. i stalk them and find ways to find out all i can know. i want to see so much, but never to harm them of course. Actually, it's because i love truly seeing people and all the lovely shades of their humanity. i am a class A, damn near professional nosey snoop. sorry if it's offensive to you. but seriously if someone were rummaging through all my most personal possessions just because they were burning livid hot with curiosity about me, i would be endlessly flattered.
i feel like no one is obsessed with me. no one ever seems to be paying any fucking attention. am i that boring on the outside? i don't believe anyone is boring.
I am probably just one of those non-American minded people that feels foreign within my own culture. Because I like it better when a group is connected is a honest, self-relenting way and every one is primarily concerned with the group's well being instead of that cut throat "every man for himself" attitude. i like when people help each other and care for each other. i like when we're all being so considerate and sensitive to another's state of mind/emotions/ needs etc.
sure i like alone time and i need to get away from being social sometimes. but i always want that extremely intimate, tender connection with people. i feel like almost no one i know is receptive to that sort of thing though. people have too much shame, too much sense of distrust, too much self-absorbedness.
if you bothered to read this, then you were seeking me out in some way and i probably am obsessed with you. truly.. really i actually very likely am. and i love you

i still want to go over to my friend's house and just spend the night and sleep in their bed with them like we did when we were little kids. but, no, there's much too much sexual implication now. it's too "weird"
can we hug more and play with each others hair? im probably actually one of those annoying touchy feely people. i want to be close to people all the time. tooooo close.
but most of my friends wouldn't describe me that way. they have no idea im like that.
i think i put on a good facade of what appears "normal" but at the end of the day i am completely frustrated, sad and love-deprived.
if i had no inhibition i would hug people every time i saw them, take their hands more (boy or girl, doesnt matter) etc. like you do with your family. kiss their face.
but you cant just go around doing that. people get upset.

I also just spend SO much time delving into someone's past and asking all kinds of questions. if i go to their house i go through all their things that are out in the open. i go through all their things in the bathroom. i should probably be ashamed at my total disregard for privacy...but somehow im just not.
it's only because i think they are a fascinating person and i don't think they're showing me who they are when we're face-to-face. i want to see more. so i go looking for it in the debris of their life.
i peruse facebook and old myspace blogs... do google searches.. look up their old high school. i feel like all this is normal... but it jsut seems to me that everyone else would call that stalking.
God, maybe i'm just a freak. oh well.

i still think people should get more obsessed with each other.
it's fucking so sweet and flattering.

can we just skip this week? looks pretty shitty

look who just crawled right up into my lap!

quiz-type thing. but not by STP

100 pts to whomever knows the song I just poorly did some word play off of!

1. What time did you get up this morning?

well it is morning now. so 12:32am 

yesterday i got up at 7

work work fun fun!

2. How do you like your steak?

really well done, almost burnt. probably more dry than anyone else would like.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Black Swan

4. What is your favorite TV show?

House

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

some non-touristy european country. i suck at geography and haven't traveled nearly enough to be more specific. 

6. What did you have for breakfast?

adams pasta. with tiny pepperonis and sausage. lots of oozy cheese. it was tasty

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Chinese

8. What foods do you dislike?

cauliflower, asparagus, licorice, anise, white bread, cheap processed food

i just have to say, though, that pineapple is fucking delicious.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Los Laureles

10. Favorite dressing?

Italian

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

03 Chevy Impala, blue

12. What are your favorite clothes?

with good color. i like wearing maroon, teal, black or brown. also navy blue…oh and green, but not classic bright green. more like that low-saturated green or dull green, forest green is nice too.

i like my shirts long and leanish. i hate shirts that ride up and show my stomach. arg. i feel so gross and slutty about it. I also like pants that fit snug to my legs but not like tight in the sexy way. just snug. baggy looks frumpy i think. i have to get the "short" or petite ones since im so short and small. like a midget. 

mostly i like modest clothing, but i think of clothing more in an artistic way than for sexifying. i love how clothes can change an appearance or be this display of art. 

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Germany, for my heritage. im mostly German genetically. i's love all that beer and bread…not to stereotype. 

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

im just happy there's something to drink… so i guess that answer is "full"

15. Where would you want to retire?

by constantly moving around and seeing the world… maybe not in a motorhome though. just plane tickets and rented cars

16. Favorite time of day?

late at night. after 10pm

17. Where were you born?

dezz mow Nezz. at Broadlawns since my mom was on social security or something at the time. She lived on her own and worked at Wendy's at the time. she worked hard but had almost no money and i think no health ins other than state aid. so she had to have me at that hospital. i guess i turned out ok. 

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

none

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

im not putting it on fb to tag. so everyone.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

see last answer

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

see two answers back

22. Bird watcher?

yes actually, also squirrels.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

night time, most definitely

24. Do you have any pets?

always have. we have 3 cats right now: Kubla Khan, Jasper Binx & Xanadu

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?

i got a $168 speeding tkt the other day. f**k!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

vet

27. What is your best childhood memory?

digging around in the medicine cabinet. being at Joan and Myron's.

playing in my grandma's basement with my cousins ashley and lou

videogames with my brother.

recording songs off the radio on cassette tapes

my mom's breakfasts. eggs bacon pancakes etc. yum

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

cat, but i like dogs too. i love all animals.

29. Are you married?

no

30. Always wear your seat belt?

yes, but mostly out of habit….which is good i 'suppose

31. Been in a car accident?

not a major one, to where i was injured. But been in the ditch a few times and flew through someone's yard once. i'm probably going to die in a car. 

32. Any pet peeves?

just arrogance i guess. i don't like how some people can be so dismissive. they don't try to see the humanity in others. they categorize them and stereotype them so quickly and miss out on all the interesting things.  or they treat them in this way of "what can i get out of you?" …for example entertainment. i don't like when people stop caring just because you wont be a clown for them and makes them laugh every 2 seconds. some people aren't funny… and that shouldn't be this horrid detriment to friendship.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?

vegetables and mushrooms. and black olives. and canadian bacon. 

yum. generally i just like it with tons of stuff on it. but i really don't like meat lovers. MUSHROOMS are an absolute must.  

34. Favorite Flower?

 lilies

35. Favorite ice cream?

i love mint choc but i also really love the bubblegum one

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Arbys

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

2… again i probably should not drive. im not a bad driver i just don't take it seriously enough. i need to stop thinking of it like i do now. i underestimate its killing power. i speed too often and sometimes get a little risky. i drive way different when i have other people in the car. im much more conscious of being safe. sometimes if i like them a lot i get distracted and just want to talk to them and start getting absorbed in talking. oye. like a true girl

38. From whom did you get your last email?

when i first glanced at this i thought it said "last name"

it'd either be my dad or someday husband…i was thinking what a boring question.

last email was….errr…someone at work likely. i have more than one email acct. sooo.. who knows?

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

im not going to be maxing out any credit cards.

40. Do anything out of your comfort zone recently?

um. just being more social with people i guess. im mostly introverted and i don't like instigating things. i hate feeling like that awkward unwanted person. where the other person is thinking "please leave me alone and go away" but i think that's an overreaction. i have this complex where i will instantly stop talking to people if i sense a tiny bit of unwelcome. it's silly and irrational. i mostly like just being alone but sometimes it gets too lonely. i decided i want to be better friends with people and the only way is to just talk to them and get over my silly social dysfunctions. 

41. What was your favorite vacation?

going down south with my gma and gpa. we drove to Texas and three states over to the east. it was so fun. we ventured down into Mexico too.

also going to Galveston with my mom and brother was fun.

42. Last person you went out to dinner with?

um. i think it was katy to Tsing Tsao. unless you count lunches at work. in that case it was Adam to taco johns. 

43. What are you listening to right now?

VR

44. What is your favorite color?

blue

45. How many tattoos do you have?

none. i love looking at other peoples' tattoos but i'll never get one myself. i don't like the idea of something being on my body that i can never take back off. i change my mind too often to pick out something like that. there is just not one thing i could put on my skin i know i will always like. 

46. How many are you tagging for this quiz?

enough with this fucking question!

47.Coffee Drinker?

yes. i love it, even if it is bad for me.