just had a sudden feeling of immense sadness, where i could feel all the meaning drain from my life... i'm starting to see it for all its bleak triviality and plainness. how unextraordinary i am and never will be. a part of me is ok with being average; i'm not trying to impress anyone. but i'm still sitting waiting for that "ok" feeling again, a calm and settled arrangement of my universe. the older i get the more impossible it becomes. the harder i try the more hope i lose. it's not going to change. all things around me change but this one thing just wont. i can never go home again.
i get older, die more every day and don't care about it. i don't feel that passionate sort of carpe diem where i want so much out of my life. everything around me is so plain and simple, more than ever it's unfulfilled and blase as hell. i'm reaching a new state of numbness i've never known... is this really adulthood?
my job is making me stupider. its making my brain mush, i can feel my IQ fading out until i lose all of any splendor i can even feign to have.
i keep trying to make friends but none of them feel real. it's never as genuine and intimate as i need. i hate all our American social conventions. i hate what's considered funny, sexy, impressive, worthwhile. talking to people has become like competing with a TV. people only want to be entertained as if you were their own personal tv show. seconds are hours to them. oh no! you stood there so silent, breathless... don't you have some quip witty thing to spout out, so plotted staged and scripted... as if they are all beginning to truly believe conversations (actual human conversations) work that way.
maybe they don't believe it fully yet, but a part of their mind's appetite wont tolerate its absense.
i only slept three hours last night, maybe that's why my mind is off... and stupider.
i tried to play piano and was astounded at how incapable i was at it right now. it was terrible. made me even sadder. i wanted to do it to feel better. music tends to be that one thing that saves me.
i guess iPod instead.
most people have no idea how sad i am. i dont really want to make it apparent because i dont care if anyone cares. i dont believe it makes any difference anyway. what can they do? i believe they are as hopeless as i am, but lucky enough to be ignorant to it. or blissfully distracted.
life is just a string of distractions. there is no meaning. it's all random chaos.
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