bleak bite

just had a sudden feeling of immense sadness, where i could feel all the meaning drain from my life... i'm starting to see it for all its bleak triviality and plainness. how unextraordinary i am and never will be. a part of me is ok with being average; i'm not trying to impress anyone. but i'm still sitting waiting for that "ok" feeling again, a calm and settled arrangement of my universe. the older i get the more impossible it becomes. the harder i try the more hope i lose. it's not going to change. all things around me change but this one thing just wont. i can never go home again.
i get older, die more every day and don't care about it. i don't feel that passionate sort of carpe diem where i want so much out of my life. everything around me is so plain and simple, more than ever it's unfulfilled and blase as hell. i'm reaching a new state of numbness i've never known... is this really adulthood?
my job is making me stupider. its making my brain mush, i can feel my IQ fading out until i lose all of any splendor i can even feign to have.
i keep trying to make friends but none of them feel real. it's never as genuine and intimate as i need. i hate all our American social conventions. i hate what's considered funny, sexy, impressive, worthwhile. talking to people has become like competing with a TV. people only want to be entertained as if you were their own personal tv show. seconds are hours to them. oh no! you stood there so silent, breathless... don't you have some quip witty thing to spout out, so plotted staged and scripted... as if they are all beginning to truly believe conversations (actual human conversations) work that way.
maybe they don't believe it fully yet, but a part of their mind's appetite wont tolerate its absense.

i only slept three hours last night, maybe that's why my mind is off... and stupider.
i tried to play piano and was astounded at how incapable i was at it right now. it was terrible. made me even sadder. i wanted to do it to feel better. music tends to be that one thing that saves me.
i guess iPod instead.

most people have no idea how sad i am. i dont really want to make it apparent because i dont care if anyone cares. i dont believe it makes any difference anyway. what can they do? i believe they are as hopeless as i am, but lucky enough to be ignorant to it. or blissfully distracted.
life is just a string of distractions. there is no meaning. it's all random chaos.

doing.

one thousand menial & trivial tasks fritter away days



and can never compare


to a mere handful of slow-paced deeply brain-delved languish and lush


array of curiosities


so tell me, who accomplished more?

There were powerful times in my life that happened during certain events, like my brother’s wrestling meets. But it really has little to do with those events. It’s only associated to it. They merely happened at the same time. But it was more something from inside myself, the way I was seeing things in my own mind rather than any external thing affecting me or triggering something.



I used to sit in empty hallways with all the lights off and only distant human voice, listening to music. One winter I smoked cigarettes in a classroom doorway. I remember those days of being a truly angsty teenager, feeling isolated but liking it a little. Even then you’re searching, but not knowing yet you’re going to spend the rest of life searching for who you are and what your life means, without getting any answers. And being sort of “bad” (the trespassing to those hallways wasn’t allowed; the doors were locked after all) seemed to give me some vague sense of purpose, or a taste of real intent. Something in my action felt alive for once. It’s the first taste at stepping outside of what you’re used to, stepping outside safety. Somehow it seems worth it to be in trouble.


I realize a lot of these times were just positioned throughout my life in moments of seclusion and introspection. They seem odd ly associated to the events around them but they stand alone. They are sectioned off as gems and only tied as if on a necklace. They string can easily give way, but the gems remain gems. They emerged more out of convenience and almost my soul’s necessary snatching. I was alone spending time at Richard’s house, my first year of college at Central, and in the hospital when I had leukemia. Rides in my car and in bed at night are shorter bursts, but made from the same substance, and me doing the same with it.


Also, the roaming in bathrooms to examine my skin and liking the old yellowish lighting in the bathrooms. Those sinks had to be from the 60s


…. more later

never knew sites like this existed...

but i shouldn't be surprised

http://www.beautifulcervix.com/cervix-photo-galleries/photos-of-cervix/

Just a bunch of photos of cervixes. i really wonder how she got those angles with the right lighting and everything to see it so well. Does she have a tiny camera to stick in her vagina?
I can only look at this site so long. It's not necessarily disgusting or anything it's just, i dont know. i have no interest in what her cervix is doing or to compare it to mine. I see how the only reason you'd be interested in this site is for fertility reasons. Speaking of which, by the looks of the site I'm probably ovulating now. better stay away from the sex for awhile...

what i feel about you

just a bit of the most honest and platonic kind of love but so misplaced, arranged in the worst setting, so hopeless... makes me helpless and guilt-ridden. makes me weak and pathetic, silently begging... god!
but i wouldnt let it go for anything. i cant stop.

i want to talk to you all day even if we talk about absolutely nothing.


feeling a bit manic today or something. i think there is something wrong with me. i cant work. ia m taking so long to get the smallest fucking thing done. i had to run outside a few hours ago and bounce in the snow and kick it in the sun light to make myself feel better. i cant be inside right now. uughggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have OT tonight too. i dont want to stay but i do every time. oh well. something magnanimous is bothering me underneath it all, in my soul. abrasive , tearing, gah. i feel slightly angry today for no apparent reason. i feel like i want to run away and be alone for 400 days and not talk to one human person.

only ones who are completely honest... maybe just ONE person.
open sheer honesty. god. im feeling just too human today
too much like an animal.

Also, I'm all so.

seems like out there it's always hundreds of things but, in here, it's always just one.
just one solid thing i always know through and through. sound and pure and true and fucking incredible.
 

me taste.

everything i like always ends up being either French or Japanese based.
with such predominance that I wonder if at heart I am just so non-American in culture. I think i belong in a more romantic culture like French; maybe that's a stereotype. I think I do even better Japanese.
ah complex, i have to explore this more....there's too much i dont know about japanese culture.

bloobidy boo

I've decided I think the best skin products are Nivea and Aveeno.

Although Nivea is German-made and since I'm mostly German genetically maybe it just… nah! what a silly notion.

Aveeno is a Johnson&Johnson product too which is manufactured in NJ and I love those facial scrubbing pads they make.

sometimes...

in all that nonsensical babble, the clearest picture of humanity resides