i hate when i start crying because then i can't stop. I just keep going. All that shit I shove down has a way of not going away.
Seems like most of my life is a battle of not letting other people ruin my day. Everyone is so unhappy, all the people around me and it makes me depressed as fuck. I am easily pleased. It's not hard for anything to dazzle me, or effect me deeply.
I can't help how I like to care for people and just do things.. out of my heart, just because, without any real need for anything in return. It's not a reward or glorification I'm trying to prod out. I just wanted to feel human for once, you know, like really connected with someone. And not like it's this huge fucking favor to look at me like I'm interesting. Like I'm worth it. You're worth it to me. and i try... i try... i try.
But it seems like ALL the people in my life want more and I just can't be good enough.
I dont truly feel like I satisfy anyone. Makes me prefer to be alone, away from all those goddamned expectations. Ugh. Some days I could stop altogether. Ignore all those needs and requests. Sometimes I feel like a nurse... or some kind of washcloth.
Why can't people just think it's all right to be ordinary? To just makes things work? Running smoothly and simply "ok" They want more, they want extraordinary, shit they see in movies or magazines or whatever fantasy. It's so idealized.... They think they have to make all these improvements. They complicate it beyond possibility so they can never be happy with it.
But I like simple. I like plausible expectation, because then it IS possible to get fucking happy.
You don't have to dread that looming feeling of disappointment. If you're just genuine with yourself, man, you can finally see that most of what you want you already have and happiness isn't so hard.
But I need to feel connected with people to be happy. I need to matter. i must have meaning.
So I can't just run away from it all and still be happy. I rely on people and that's just the nature of being human. We do need each other. However sappy and nonsensical you want to say that is. It's true.
Interesting, you have some good reasons but having your emotions removed will ruin you forever especially as a female. I too wonder if it's possible, society's expectations are unrealistic and emotions only get in the way of my life even when I try to force myself to get past them..without emotion.
ReplyDeleteSometimes i just want to float away from everything, and not be concerned about life, or the stupid people on this earth...
ReplyDeleteBut here I am stuck here.
I understand.
the idea of removing emotions has been around for centuries. it is possible to remove the emotions of a person by enveloping them in complete sorrow, dispair or just a single dark emotion to make the person only believe in that single emotion, but you cant keep them from believing in others. in the past, prisoners of war have returned as completely different people, being unable to smile or even cry. this suggests that you can lose your emotions if you give up your reasoning to be alive. but damn would have to go through alot for such a thing to happen. but I would not recommend such a practice because it would simply ruin your life if you were unable to show a single emotion. people wouldnt want to employ you into the workforce, no-one would trust you because of your emotionless face, etc.
ReplyDelete