keep keepin' your distance fool,
keep terrified I'm too close to you.
In the finest way, I've wasted time.
In the brightest say, we've said nothing at all.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
emotions. can I just surgically remove them?
i hate when i start crying because then i can't stop. I just keep going. All that shit I shove down has a way of not going away.
Seems like most of my life is a battle of not letting other people ruin my day. Everyone is so unhappy, all the people around me and it makes me depressed as fuck. I am easily pleased. It's not hard for anything to dazzle me, or effect me deeply.
I can't help how I like to care for people and just do things.. out of my heart, just because, without any real need for anything in return. It's not a reward or glorification I'm trying to prod out. I just wanted to feel human for once, you know, like really connected with someone. And not like it's this huge fucking favor to look at me like I'm interesting. Like I'm worth it. You're worth it to me. and i try... i try... i try.
But it seems like ALL the people in my life want more and I just can't be good enough.
I dont truly feel like I satisfy anyone. Makes me prefer to be alone, away from all those goddamned expectations. Ugh. Some days I could stop altogether. Ignore all those needs and requests. Sometimes I feel like a nurse... or some kind of washcloth.
Why can't people just think it's all right to be ordinary? To just makes things work? Running smoothly and simply "ok" They want more, they want extraordinary, shit they see in movies or magazines or whatever fantasy. It's so idealized.... They think they have to make all these improvements. They complicate it beyond possibility so they can never be happy with it.
But I like simple. I like plausible expectation, because then it IS possible to get fucking happy.
You don't have to dread that looming feeling of disappointment. If you're just genuine with yourself, man, you can finally see that most of what you want you already have and happiness isn't so hard.
But I need to feel connected with people to be happy. I need to matter. i must have meaning.
So I can't just run away from it all and still be happy. I rely on people and that's just the nature of being human. We do need each other. However sappy and nonsensical you want to say that is. It's true.
Seems like most of my life is a battle of not letting other people ruin my day. Everyone is so unhappy, all the people around me and it makes me depressed as fuck. I am easily pleased. It's not hard for anything to dazzle me, or effect me deeply.
I can't help how I like to care for people and just do things.. out of my heart, just because, without any real need for anything in return. It's not a reward or glorification I'm trying to prod out. I just wanted to feel human for once, you know, like really connected with someone. And not like it's this huge fucking favor to look at me like I'm interesting. Like I'm worth it. You're worth it to me. and i try... i try... i try.
But it seems like ALL the people in my life want more and I just can't be good enough.
I dont truly feel like I satisfy anyone. Makes me prefer to be alone, away from all those goddamned expectations. Ugh. Some days I could stop altogether. Ignore all those needs and requests. Sometimes I feel like a nurse... or some kind of washcloth.
Why can't people just think it's all right to be ordinary? To just makes things work? Running smoothly and simply "ok" They want more, they want extraordinary, shit they see in movies or magazines or whatever fantasy. It's so idealized.... They think they have to make all these improvements. They complicate it beyond possibility so they can never be happy with it.
But I like simple. I like plausible expectation, because then it IS possible to get fucking happy.
You don't have to dread that looming feeling of disappointment. If you're just genuine with yourself, man, you can finally see that most of what you want you already have and happiness isn't so hard.
But I need to feel connected with people to be happy. I need to matter. i must have meaning.
So I can't just run away from it all and still be happy. I rely on people and that's just the nature of being human. We do need each other. However sappy and nonsensical you want to say that is. It's true.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Untitled Poem- draft 1
This outlier waits, her need remains the same
in the silence and unreplied mail
bored eyes, restless hands
the constant grasp at words whether useful or not
she imagines she's flawed
in immense space and lack of time
no weight, no code
the blatant disregard for imposed glamour
she realizes her worth
her offering has always been the same
your pleasure or displeasure the only variable
in the silence and unreplied mail
bored eyes, restless hands
the constant grasp at words whether useful or not
she imagines she's flawed
in immense space and lack of time
no weight, no code
the blatant disregard for imposed glamour
she realizes her worth
her offering has always been the same
your pleasure or displeasure the only variable
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