Parents (part 1)

I have absolutely nothing to say. I just wanted to contribute another entry, useless as it may turn out to be. Sometimes great things emerge with these kinds of starts. But I like to approach things without expectation, even though that’s quite difficult. Expectation can be a dangerous thing.

Today is Rob’s birthday (Nick’s brother). He was really disappointed when I told him I wasn’t interested in having children in my lifetime. He said he always envisioned me as a great mom; he really was sorely disappointed. Could I really be another good one in the world? According to FB word count, I use “really” a lot. That must get really annoying.

But shuffle me on back to my topic: Mothers.

I don’t want to be one. Good parents are rare, and they definitely have my utmost respect and reverence. But being a parent is a life choice and it is NOT right for all people. Just we because we are all hard-wired to do it doesn’t mean it suits each of us. It’s seems like nature’s urging… this desire to procreate and keep the species going. But I don’t care. There are plenty of people in the world, over 6 billion. Me not having children will never harm the human race.

Sometimes you just get lost thinking within the big picture. I know it’s noble to strive for the “greater good” and if I’m such a good person I should be bringing more good people into the world. Yet, there are certain things you must create your own ‘corner of the universe’ for.

Bringing human life onto the planet is done simply and it happens every single day. To nature and to the grander scheme of things, it is no big deal at all. But to me, it’s the scariest thing ever. Something in me writhes in discomfort thinking of a living breathing being packed with half my genetics and blood. I always say I like myself so much, so it’s a contradiction that this thought would bother me. Parents often make the mistake of seeing their children as extensions of themselves, instead of individual people. So hating the idea of making a human from yourself... is that really self-hate? Then I’m always advocating children as separate entities from their parents. So this shouldn’t bother me, but then it does. I make no sense. It’s hard to look at the whole act of a child created as one unbiased completely objective being. I can look at it as a child, which is what I existed as first. Then I can look at it as a parent (potential parent) and it will be entirely different. Although, it shouldn’t be.

It’s always going to be a dualistic display to me. I can never look at it in a complete way.

I have been a child, nature urges me to the other side, where I become the parent now. I can’t ever see the situation as one thing. I feels like I’d be two different people.

Other reasons I don’t want to have children:

-I don’t know if I can honestly make that kind of sacrifice. I want my freedom. I want to be able to do whatever I want without a child needing me all hours of the day.

-It’s expensive

-When kids scream and cry for a stupid reason I just laugh and get childish with them. This is horrible discipline.

-I’m a bit of a hypocrite and there really is nothing more annoying and disheartening in a parent than hypocrisy.

-I don’t want to go through long painful childbirth and wreck my body

Parents (part 2)

parent.

I don’t want to be one.

Here’s another reason why:

I once had a dream, and I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it in here or recounted it in detail.

Maybe I did…actually I think I may have. Anyway, this dream was in two parts, very vivid. I feel in a way I can’t prove that it is truth… like a revelation. When I say it, it feels factual, like something bigger than me, outside me… when I say the words they seem like they are not my words.

The first is in the yard, springtime. There is a swing set and the grass is a vibrant green. There is a young girl standing near but she is unclear in my vision. She walks unsteady even though she is older now. She has long dark hair.

The second dream is much more clear. We are in a restaurant, this child and I, but she is younger. Still the same dark hair. She is 2 maybe 3. I buy her French fries. She uncoordinatedly eats them and hardly can sit in the booth. The booth seats are bright red. A man comes up, he is very obscure because the focus is obviously the girl… She has a look of recognition on her face but there is no affect, not normal emotion anyway.

He is her father.

In just these few seconds I see her in the dream I know she is not normal. I know there is something wrong, but it blends and almost seems to go away if you have enough denial.

In waking, I think this girl has autism and I feel (and you will think it’s silly) that this is the girl I would have if I had a child. She is my daughter, a poor creature that can’t function normally. It makes me reflect on other parents in the world who actually have autistic children. They love them just as much as any other parent loves their child. And I would love her too, just like that. But how much of it is because we have to. Because you’d look like a monster of a human being if you didn’t. We all want to think what we create is perfect or at least really great, especially when what we’ve created is a human being. We want to believe there is nothing horrid lying dormant in our bodies that manifests as a child— like bad genes, homosexuality, whatever makes a serial killer, ugliness, etc. etc. (although I have no problem with homosexuality at all… some folks do).

Is it better me knowing now what she would be and then preventing it by not having a child? Is that like killing her? I’m no clairvoyant and I don’t believe in psychics. But I can’t lie to myself about what I feel sometimes. It always comes true. Perhaps I have some advanced element of my brain that makes really damn good guesses about the future…like excellent intuition. I lean on intuition a lot. I don’t know what this feeling is exactly. But I never disregard it. Sure I question some of the things it presents to me, I give it time to stew. I try to prove it wrong. But you can never know for sure, not until whatever it is has already happened.

I’ve thought a lot about the Duggars because they have 19 children and probably will go on to have more until Michelle finally hits menopause. There are a lot of strong opinions I hold about their situation, all of which are complicated because I actually like the Duggars on a human level. They seem nice and well-intentioned people… but ultimately I disagree with what they do because it is a misguided effort at easing guilt.

Let me explain:

They live by the principle that God should dictate creation of life in every minute way. Their sex will never be protected or hindered. Abstinence is not even an option; they will have sex when they feel like it because it is a gift of God to marriage. If she gets pregnant, than it is entirely God’s will. Whatever happens, it’s all part of a larger plan that’s better than anything they could come up with. How many children they have should not be up to them. If that means 25, then it means 25. God won’t give them more than they can handle. (But I guarantee without TLC and TV money and the public interest they would NOT be able to handle it alone).

Anyway, they feel fertility and conception are sacred, all life is absolutely sacred and should not be tampered with in any way. It’s an insult to God to abort a baby, and it is just as much of one to prevent a baby from happening in the first place. It’s like stepping in the way of God about to create a life and saying, “No, God you can’t do that.”

I agree with the “life is sacred” part but not to the point of preventing a baby. I honestly cannot and never will accept that abstinence is bad. It’s like that “every sperm is sacred” silliness from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.

The Duggars follow this “quiver-full” movement where parents are belligerently psychotic over babies and new life. They are the extreme end of conservative pro-life. Just in case you didn’t know, a quiver is the sack you put arrows in if you’re an archer. And the reference is, of course, to a verse in the Old Testament of the Bible:

Psalm 127: 3-5

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”

They take this verse quite literally. I get all this big family happiness and never being lonely. That’s a nice thought. But it’s just not practical anymore to go doing this sort of thing. The Duggars would never believe what they are doing is wrong; it’s right there in Bible verse! And, really, I woudln’t even call it “wrong” myself, but rather misguided. It is a vast overcompensation for something else.

And what is that “something else?”

The first child the Duggars ever had they tried to prevent. Yes, even them. All that vehement defense of life came from somewhere. When they were first married, Michelle used birth control. Not long into the marriage she became pregnant anyway, but did not realize it for awhile. Thus, the first few months that baby developed she still took the pill. She carried almost full term but the baby died before it was born, a stillbirth. Of course, they were devestated and when they learned that the birth control was what killed her, the immense guilt set in and tortured their conscience. From then on, Michelle and Jim Bob never used any kind of contraceptive ever again and all their kids have been healthy since, and there has been an endless string of babies coming from that woman like a long train crossing the road. We all sit and wait, peering off into the distance to see if the end is close but there’s always more, more, more.

They believe their first daughter died as a sort of punishment or ultimate consequence for what happens when someone tries to stop God. They entirely believe it is their fault (but how could they know?)

They blame themselves for that. I can’t imagine a worse feeling for a Christian person than to feel like you killed your own child, even if it wasn’t intentional.

Making all these damn near 20 kids is like making up for that first baby, saying over and over again, “God we are sorry. Please forgive our disobedience. Use us as much as you want to bring people into the world.”

They will never see what they’ve been doing as a simple fact of biology: If two fertile things come together they will reproduce. If the opportunity presents itself and it is feasible then it will happen. They honestly believe God intends them to have this many kids, as do all Christian couples who follow this quiverfull movement.

But I ask them, please:

Show me a healthy couple doing this who has only, say 2-3 kids. Even though they have as much sex as any other couple. Let me see God’s will be anything but a very large number of children.

The Duggars confess that their lifestyle is “not for everyone” but they live by a principal that suggests that it is, in fact, mandated by God to every single person.

There are no couples living under this priniciple who still only have 2-3 kids (except the ones who only been married 2 years and they’ve only had time enough to make 2-3 kids). And a birth of multiples does not count.

It simply doesn’t ever happen. That family does not exist.

I don’t believe God controls how many kids you’re supposed to have. Biology does. But we always have a choice to interfere and there is no immorality in that.

If their principle were really true, they are inherently saying that anyone using contraceptives or abstinence inside a marriage is sinning. Anyone choosing the size of their family, anyone trying to make a responsible choice is the real misguided person and is not listening to God’s will. The Duggar’s motive seems to be guilt and I realize this is not the case for every couple involved in the Quiverfull movement. I’m not sure what their motives are, but they’re probably too personal to fit any real ethical reason either.

I have no problem with people having lots of children, as long as it truly is suitable to their particular lifestyle and personalities. If it honestly makes them happy then ok. But the world is quite populated already. There’s no danger of humans dying out anytime soon. It’s expensive anymore to have a child, all the healthcare and schooling. There aren’t many farms anymore where it’s a dire and desperate need to make a lot of children so they can grow up to be farmhands. Yes, farms still exist, I know, but their prevalance has dropped. It’s not the #1 way of life anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with guilt either. It’s another entirely normal human emotion. They’re not wrong for feeling this way. But they can’t use religion like a band-aid, seeking out relief in some grand gesture that other people will follow. They are proud of themselves now.

I am truly sorry for them in that they feel this bad about their first daughter, that it requires that much compnesation. But if they are crushed under the weight of all those humans they’re ushering into existense… well my pity ends there.