Crossing the Homosexual Line

... not coming out but going into someone else. How do you honestly talk about someone else's sexuality without appearing demeaning or exploitative? I've debated on whether to put this bit from journals since this is a public blog. I've decided what the hell, but I'm leaving the person nameless. That's not the point.


It's a genuine and absolutely heartfelt question: how do you ask your friend if they're gay?


A friend of mine seems gay but has not come out publicly and has never even slightly mentioned it, but it's one of those things that slowly became apparent to me. I really do care about this person but I'm not sure if we're on intimate enough terms as friends to discuss something that personal. 
It's in the little things: habits, gestures, pitch in voice, the total seemingly lack of interest in the opposite sex, the long "single" status, music and films they like...
All these small things mean nothing alone, if you examine each in its own individual right. But when you combine them all they seem to create a synergistic effect, working together as a whole... it just suggests homosexuality.


JRNL ENTRY 1

Ok so last night I decided to ask Dan if he thought_____ was gay. I hardly got the question out: “Dan, come here. I want to ask you something. I know you don’t see _____ often but do you…” then he suddenly said, “yes I think ___ likes the sausage.” (That's Dan seemingly asshole way of referring to it, but don't hate him for it. He didn't mean it cruelly. He's just silly. One of Dan's best friends is gay.)

Anyway, something about hearing it affirmed from another person makes it almost too concrete for me and I’m beginning to truly believe it. At the very least he can’t be entirely straight. Either way, I still want to be every bit his friend as I ever was…if any change then closer friends. I like him the same. I honestly don’t mind at all. I now can see how the friendliness in his eyes was like a “two girls” kind of liking. How he'd want another female to confide and relate with. Sometimes he does feel like being friends with a girl.

Also, physically, he has those long eyelashes and feminine posture and way of walking…softer tone and pitch of voice, delicate skin and prim neat appearance. Almost over-washed. Very clean. He’s sweet and seems so tender like a woman sometimes.

Although, I hate seeing myself as some sort of fag hag as well, like God! I don’t want to be that stereotype… oh how quaint, let’s be such a girl with her little fun gay friend. But I do tend to be drawn to them in a natural way. I think I end up liking them honestly, and actually caring other than what the typical “fag hag” would. 

I think all these definitions about sexuality and gender identity are too boxed in and stringent. Even though we already have almost too many definitions, like a whole plethora of them, they still can’t cover it. It seems like there are too many definitions because we try to encapsulate an incredibly elusive and diverse thing. It seems to me sexuality can be as unique to each person as a fingerprint. And if we really were going to define it then we’d have as many definitions as there are people. I don’t like being thrown into a category or oversimplified. Plus there are all those goddamn stereotypes, annoying as hell. 

ENTRY 2 [quite chopped]

The last week since the gay thing has been sitting on my brain and I'm really starting believe it, especially since it's been objectified. He’s not bi or unsure. He’s got to be gay. Seems like it’s just a matter of time before he’ll come out. 

___ will tell me about obscure things he likes when we’re alone and he’s more willing to divulge those preferences but he won’t talk about it with (this person's best friend) because he knows he will turn it into a light-hearted joke that’s not meant to be hurtful necessarily…but reeks of lack of understanding, close-mindedness, regard for each person’s uniqueness. (the best friend) gets so squeamish about “weird” people. He’s so dismissive, to use that word again. Which, if _____ really is gay, is why he’s not told ____ about it. (the best friend) may be sort of bi-curious at best, or just hyper-sexual… but I really can’t see him as gay.

 One day, they both had on a similar sweater and it wasn’t a planned thing. (the best friend) drew attention to it and said, “we’re just homos now,” which was a joke at the time. It’s one of those things that’d be an out-of-place joke if ___ knew it were true. _____ hasn’t told him, if it is true.

And maybe I’m completely wrong about this. I don’t know. My trouble is thinking of a good way to ask him about it or talk about it. How do you do that? I feel we go back and forth with this “are we close friends or just acquaintances?” shit. And that’s a quite personal topic. You can’t just out and ask, “Are you queer?” That’s too blunt; I’d be afraid he’d think I was mocking him or trying to hurt him. I don’t want to exploit him about it. I genuinely care. I want to discuss the whole topic with him.

Amelie and Howling Bells

i think the song by the Howling Bells called "Ms. Bell's Song/Radio Wars Theme" sounds like the intro song played in the film Amelie. (most significantly the piano motif.


Listen:

supper update: turned out pretty damn tasty!

I ended up not adding the tomato sauce as it was not dry to eat once done. the cheese is absolutely necessary though otherwise it would be boring.  the meat is a lot of the flavor but since there was little oil or fat the cheese has to provide that. otherwise the pasta would be bland and too plain. it would bank on the seasoning for all its flavor which isn't quite enough. 

although it's the garlic and parsley that make it taste so generically and easily "italian"

i did add a small amount of water before sticking it in the oven despite the meat and pasta already being fully-cooked. the oven melts the cheese and the cheese sort of blends it all together into one dish, like smoldering. 

it was overall very easy to cook, which is why its featured on foodnetwork.com. they're known for posting simplified recipes that make anyone feel so "cheftastic" I've never made this before and i substituted a lot and left out things and it still tasted really good, but I always alter recipes anyway. I can't help myself. 

I also threw on some broccoli florets since i love and the meal needed some more green. Also we had some jalapeno bites because Dan wanted them. more cheese…mmmmm

here's what I'm cooking for the big lunch/dinner for Sunday:

Italian Baked Chicken and Pastina

mine looked a little different since I didnt have any shredded cheese. I chopped and crumbled a block of cheese instead (by hand) since I dont have a cheese grater either. (some kitchen I know!)

I also left out the onions and just did onion powder since I didnt feel like chopping them and all we have are red onions and those may be too strong. 

I was tempted to add a can of tomato sauce since it looked so damn dry but decided to leave it alone and see what it tastes like. i can add some hot later if needed. It's baking now so I haven't tasted it yet. 

I'll put up a pic of how mine came out later. (better, ha!)

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/italian-baked-chicken-and-pastina-recipe/index.html

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isn't it sad that the most honest love i know is the kind only in my head and not real?

SOOOO excited for Portal 2

Recently been delving into the original Portal, which was released in 2007. Great game, almost have it beat and I started it a few days ago. I could do it all in one day if I were back into the lazy days of in between college and first job and there was just endless time.
This game being short in length makes you feel like you zoomed through and you're so clever and smart, but I do hope Portal 2 will be longer.
There was one section where there was a long fall and i had to put a blue portal above the fall on a "usable platform" and then a orange one below. Jump into it and endlessly fall over and over and over. so cool.
or you can put it on two adjacent walls and start running. it's like an endless hall.
those lazer-bots are annoying as hell though. although they have zero peripheral vision and can easily be picked up from behind and tossed against the wall. even if you do it gently, they topple over and die.
if you pick up the brick and nudge against them they fall over too.
level...16 i think. i never did figure out what that orange hole was for. it opens and closes periodically.
there was a clump of bricks under it. i thought at first you were supposed to reverse gravity somehow since it's on the ceiling. but theres no where on that level with a high enough fall to hit it with enough force. so.... i got the end without even using it. they just put it there to mess with your mind!
i hope also that portal 2 is more difficult and doesn't get too involved with its story line. i don't want a story, just the puzzles. i like my brain teased.

self. look!

i think i have a healthy amount of self-love. sometimes when i get bored i take really conceited looking pictures of myself. kind of dumb but at the same time, self-interest is endless. it is in human nature to be so egocentric and preoccupied with yourself. children do it before they realize that, when you're older, people start thinking you selfish for it or just silly. i'm intensely interested in myself but also as equally interested in other people. i am a real humanist and probably have too much compassion. is too much possible? i could endlessly go into someone else's humanity. whenever Im at someone's home I get incredibly nosey and have absolutely no inhibition. it's shameful how i just start perusing through their things without regard for privacy. but it's not an exploit! From me, it's actually a compliment because i think you're fascinating and i just want into your personal arena. i'm so goddamn nosey though...

oh!

i love you so.

but why i love you, i never know.

Beauty

Beauty is quite subjective. Have in your mind how you’d like something to be perceived by another and there are no guarantees. You can imagine how someone else will see it and most of the time you’re wrong. You can try to change yourself to be more appealing but you never know what someone finds striking. Getting someone to find you beautiful who does not think so on a regular basis is an impossible task. Usually the most honest sense of beauty is unique to each person and you can’t peg it that easily. You can usually capture it in a passing way by dressing nicer or doing your hair, putting on more makeup. But that isn’t significant. That lasting sense of beauty that strikes them in a way they can’t describe is much more elusive. It’s hard to describe and their friends probably make fun of them for it when they admit they like what they like. No one really enjoys calendar-waxy over-tanned beef jerky twisted rail thin red lipstick vapid expression faced people.
The most significant factors concerning beauty always involve health and honesty.
Be yourself, take care of yourself. Seems almost too simple. Whatever anyone ends up finding significantly beautiful about you is what you’re doing unintentionally, what you aren’t aware of, what you can’t call up and repeat as if it were a trick. You can’t control that sense of beauty from another, not the intense kind. Usually when you’re trying too hard you’re making yourself more unattractive actually. And if you notice a moment where they liked you most, you weren’t even thinking about how you looked.

throw me off on that plane (geometrically speaking)

Sometimes I feel I’m at war with another half of myself, but she’s also my only best friend.
Have you ever wondered if there always was an objective existence of yourself, like a twin but living within you? She makes you perceive things differently than reality. Because, from a philosophical stand, our perception is all we have to define human “meaning”
Example: someone does something ambiguous and you want it to mean something, or have motive behind it. maybe the ultimate truth is that is just doesn’t. Why can’t we leave it alone? Why must it mean something? So we attach whatever meaning we want. But then that other part of us tells us we’re wrong and then tries to make us see it the way we don’t want. Because most of the time it turns out that what we don’t want is the thing that’s best for us. Like medicine. So you have this whole internal thing going on and you’re teaching yourself when really that person who did that ambiguous thing has not one fucking clue and really did mean nothing significant by whatever they did… certainly nothing personal to you. But still there’s a lot going on, on your end even if they are unaware that they triggered it. Most of my life is this, constantly having these kind of intensely intimate relations with people that they know nothing about. It’s sort of like the film Amelie but x1000
It seems most of what we feel (or at least I feel) is based solely on what I perceive and interpret. It’s disheartening when you don’t trust yourself anymore, or your own rationality. I don’t think I ever see anything how it truly is, particularly and significantly concerning human relationships and emotion. I constantly escape to my own inner world. Some people are just meant to be alone.