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Sunday, January 16, 2011
Amelie and Howling Bells
i think the song by the Howling Bells called "Ms. Bell's Song/Radio Wars Theme" sounds like the intro song played in the film Amelie. (most significantly the piano motif.
Listen:
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supper update: turned out pretty damn tasty!
I ended up not adding the tomato sauce as it was not dry to eat once done. the cheese is absolutely necessary though otherwise it would be boring. the meat is a lot of the flavor but since there was little oil or fat the cheese has to provide that. otherwise the pasta would be bland and too plain. it would bank on the seasoning for all its flavor which isn't quite enough.
although it's the garlic and parsley that make it taste so generically and easily "italian"
i did add a small amount of water before sticking it in the oven despite the meat and pasta already being fully-cooked. the oven melts the cheese and the cheese sort of blends it all together into one dish, like smoldering.
it was overall very easy to cook, which is why its featured on foodnetwork.com. they're known for posting simplified recipes that make anyone feel so "cheftastic" I've never made this before and i substituted a lot and left out things and it still tasted really good, but I always alter recipes anyway. I can't help myself.
I also threw on some broccoli florets since i love and the meal needed some more green. Also we had some jalapeno bites because Dan wanted them. more cheese…mmmmm
here's what I'm cooking for the big lunch/dinner for Sunday:
Italian Baked Chicken and Pastina
mine looked a little different since I didnt have any shredded cheese. I chopped and crumbled a block of cheese instead (by hand) since I dont have a cheese grater either. (some kitchen I know!)
I also left out the onions and just did onion powder since I didnt feel like chopping them and all we have are red onions and those may be too strong.
I was tempted to add a can of tomato sauce since it looked so damn dry but decided to leave it alone and see what it tastes like. i can add some hot later if needed. It's baking now so I haven't tasted it yet.
I'll put up a pic of how mine came out later. (better, ha!)
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/italian-baked-chicken-and-pastina-recipe/index.html
Friday, January 14, 2011
SOOOO excited for Portal 2
Recently been delving into the original Portal, which was released in 2007. Great game, almost have it beat and I started it a few days ago. I could do it all in one day if I were back into the lazy days of in between college and first job and there was just endless time.
This game being short in length makes you feel like you zoomed through and you're so clever and smart, but I do hope Portal 2 will be longer.
There was one section where there was a long fall and i had to put a blue portal above the fall on a "usable platform" and then a orange one below. Jump into it and endlessly fall over and over and over. so cool.
or you can put it on two adjacent walls and start running. it's like an endless hall.
those lazer-bots are annoying as hell though. although they have zero peripheral vision and can easily be picked up from behind and tossed against the wall. even if you do it gently, they topple over and die.
if you pick up the brick and nudge against them they fall over too.
level...16 i think. i never did figure out what that orange hole was for. it opens and closes periodically.
there was a clump of bricks under it. i thought at first you were supposed to reverse gravity somehow since it's on the ceiling. but theres no where on that level with a high enough fall to hit it with enough force. so.... i got the end without even using it. they just put it there to mess with your mind!
i hope also that portal 2 is more difficult and doesn't get too involved with its story line. i don't want a story, just the puzzles. i like my brain teased.
This game being short in length makes you feel like you zoomed through and you're so clever and smart, but I do hope Portal 2 will be longer.
There was one section where there was a long fall and i had to put a blue portal above the fall on a "usable platform" and then a orange one below. Jump into it and endlessly fall over and over and over. so cool.
or you can put it on two adjacent walls and start running. it's like an endless hall.
those lazer-bots are annoying as hell though. although they have zero peripheral vision and can easily be picked up from behind and tossed against the wall. even if you do it gently, they topple over and die.
if you pick up the brick and nudge against them they fall over too.
level...16 i think. i never did figure out what that orange hole was for. it opens and closes periodically.
there was a clump of bricks under it. i thought at first you were supposed to reverse gravity somehow since it's on the ceiling. but theres no where on that level with a high enough fall to hit it with enough force. so.... i got the end without even using it. they just put it there to mess with your mind!
i hope also that portal 2 is more difficult and doesn't get too involved with its story line. i don't want a story, just the puzzles. i like my brain teased.
Monday, January 10, 2011
self. look!
i think i have a healthy amount of self-love. sometimes when i get bored i take really conceited looking pictures of myself. kind of dumb but at the same time, self-interest is endless. it is in human nature to be so egocentric and preoccupied with yourself. children do it before they realize that, when you're older, people start thinking you selfish for it or just silly. i'm intensely interested in myself but also as equally interested in other people. i am a real humanist and probably have too much compassion. is too much possible? i could endlessly go into someone else's humanity. whenever Im at someone's home I get incredibly nosey and have absolutely no inhibition. it's shameful how i just start perusing through their things without regard for privacy. but it's not an exploit! From me, it's actually a compliment because i think you're fascinating and i just want into your personal arena. i'm so goddamn nosey though...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Beauty
Beauty is quite subjective. Have in your mind how you’d like something to be perceived by another and there are no guarantees. You can imagine how someone else will see it and most of the time you’re wrong. You can try to change yourself to be more appealing but you never know what someone finds striking. Getting someone to find you beautiful who does not think so on a regular basis is an impossible task. Usually the most honest sense of beauty is unique to each person and you can’t peg it that easily. You can usually capture it in a passing way by dressing nicer or doing your hair, putting on more makeup. But that isn’t significant. That lasting sense of beauty that strikes them in a way they can’t describe is much more elusive. It’s hard to describe and their friends probably make fun of them for it when they admit they like what they like. No one really enjoys calendar-waxy over-tanned beef jerky twisted rail thin red lipstick vapid expression faced people.
The most significant factors concerning beauty always involve health and honesty.
Be yourself, take care of yourself. Seems almost too simple. Whatever anyone ends up finding significantly beautiful about you is what you’re doing unintentionally, what you aren’t aware of, what you can’t call up and repeat as if it were a trick. You can’t control that sense of beauty from another, not the intense kind. Usually when you’re trying too hard you’re making yourself more unattractive actually. And if you notice a moment where they liked you most, you weren’t even thinking about how you looked.
The most significant factors concerning beauty always involve health and honesty.
Be yourself, take care of yourself. Seems almost too simple. Whatever anyone ends up finding significantly beautiful about you is what you’re doing unintentionally, what you aren’t aware of, what you can’t call up and repeat as if it were a trick. You can’t control that sense of beauty from another, not the intense kind. Usually when you’re trying too hard you’re making yourself more unattractive actually. And if you notice a moment where they liked you most, you weren’t even thinking about how you looked.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
throw me off on that plane (geometrically speaking)
Sometimes I feel I’m at war with another half of myself, but she’s also my only best friend.
Have you ever wondered if there always was an objective existence of yourself, like a twin but living within you? She makes you perceive things differently than reality. Because, from a philosophical stand, our perception is all we have to define human “meaning”
Example: someone does something ambiguous and you want it to mean something, or have motive behind it. maybe the ultimate truth is that is just doesn’t. Why can’t we leave it alone? Why must it mean something? So we attach whatever meaning we want. But then that other part of us tells us we’re wrong and then tries to make us see it the way we don’t want. Because most of the time it turns out that what we don’t want is the thing that’s best for us. Like medicine. So you have this whole internal thing going on and you’re teaching yourself when really that person who did that ambiguous thing has not one fucking clue and really did mean nothing significant by whatever they did… certainly nothing personal to you. But still there’s a lot going on, on your end even if they are unaware that they triggered it. Most of my life is this, constantly having these kind of intensely intimate relations with people that they know nothing about. It’s sort of like the film Amelie but x1000
It seems most of what we feel (or at least I feel) is based solely on what I perceive and interpret. It’s disheartening when you don’t trust yourself anymore, or your own rationality. I don’t think I ever see anything how it truly is, particularly and significantly concerning human relationships and emotion. I constantly escape to my own inner world. Some people are just meant to be alone.
Have you ever wondered if there always was an objective existence of yourself, like a twin but living within you? She makes you perceive things differently than reality. Because, from a philosophical stand, our perception is all we have to define human “meaning”
Example: someone does something ambiguous and you want it to mean something, or have motive behind it. maybe the ultimate truth is that is just doesn’t. Why can’t we leave it alone? Why must it mean something? So we attach whatever meaning we want. But then that other part of us tells us we’re wrong and then tries to make us see it the way we don’t want. Because most of the time it turns out that what we don’t want is the thing that’s best for us. Like medicine. So you have this whole internal thing going on and you’re teaching yourself when really that person who did that ambiguous thing has not one fucking clue and really did mean nothing significant by whatever they did… certainly nothing personal to you. But still there’s a lot going on, on your end even if they are unaware that they triggered it. Most of my life is this, constantly having these kind of intensely intimate relations with people that they know nothing about. It’s sort of like the film Amelie but x1000
It seems most of what we feel (or at least I feel) is based solely on what I perceive and interpret. It’s disheartening when you don’t trust yourself anymore, or your own rationality. I don’t think I ever see anything how it truly is, particularly and significantly concerning human relationships and emotion. I constantly escape to my own inner world. Some people are just meant to be alone.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Migraines, Dreams, and fucked up brains
What surprised me about going through one of my more terrible migraines last night was how part of it pleased me. In some odd way it was slightly a pleasant experience and this just struck me and now I want to explore why.
I think with immense pain, it's never the pain itself that I like. I’m no masochist. Part of it is about the relief afterwards. Seems a microcosm to a whole life. Think of everyday without any kind of suffering or hardship. Everything’s ok, good, perfect even! ...but it would become so banal after awhile…. so unbearably dull. You’d be missing the passion to get better, to thrive, resist, fight, overcome… lacking that is worse than any pain.
I ate some chicken from Wal-Mart yesterday and it tasted fine, but no more than an hour after it went down my stomach was turning and I could feel that sluggy feeling in my blood when I’ve consumed something unhealthy, usually preservatives or chemicals they put in food. I’m very sensitive to that stuff. A lot of it really hurts me and I feel miserable almost always, except when I don’t eat much at all. When I go a whole day without eating is when I feel best, hungry yes, but fucking a lot better than what most food does to me. I think I have an overly sensitive digestive tract. Luckily I don’t get heartburn but sometimes I feel like I swallowed razor blades and it’s dragging along my small intestine. Water helps.
I probably need a highly specialized diet but I guess I don’t want to become that finicky or categorize myself as one of those pain in the ass girls that cant be pleased. Cause I’m not like that. It’s just my body.
I should just eat pure vegetables, all fresh and organic for a month. Nothing prepared in boxes or frozen. Lean fresh meats like fish, tuna, chicken. No fast no food. No eating out. I bet I’d feel way better. But my social life doesn’t fit that nor does a sense of fun or just convenience. It’s easier to just eat less snacks and junk. But once in a while I eat something like that. I don’t think a whole lot about it really. I mean thinking about how I should formulate my diet, though I should be thinking about it. I think about the discomfort and it makes me not want to eat. oh and saltine crackers are my best friend. They always ease upset stomach and indigestion. And they help me go to sleep. That with skim milk. It makes me like a baby. Crackers like that (not Ritz or any other trans fat nightmare) are simple enough that my body likes it. I like the fat free ones because they are so dry and I love that texture to food. Most people would find it to be like cardboard but I think it’s perfect simple staple food. Nothing extravagant or gourmet. Nothing fancy and about palate pleasure. Crackers are about soothing.
Anyway, so that chicken from Wal-Mart must have had preservatives in it or MSG or something. Because I felt sick to my stomach right afterwards. Then I could feel it in my brain, like a tightening restricting feeling inside my skull. I knew a headache was coming. I started drinking lots of water to flush it but it wasn’t going to help. By the time I got home, I felt oddly so exhausted (although I don’t know if the tiredness had anything to do with the chicken) I went to bed at 8. I woke up at midnight after having a series of really fucked up dreams. And my head hurt so bad I honestly think I know what it must feel like to have a screwdriver stabbed into your brain along the eyeball to where it rips through but doesn’t kill you. I lay there exasperated by pain. I think I hallucinated a little to be honest. I was half awake and started lucidly dreaming (where you control the dream and are fully aware that you are dreaming) It was actually pretty creative and it made me start thinking about how the things we think as beautiful in art are really the product of brain damage. It comes from fucked up people who have a mental disorder…which if you break true psychological disorders down they are some sort of brain damage or unbalanced brain chemistry. Not to diminish mental disorders as a genuine medical field or oversimplify them. I meant no offense. But you know…
Crazy people always make the coolest stuff. If you’ve ever read the statement Charlie Manson gave in court you sit there and think, “what the bloody hell is he talking about?” and you keep reading and it seems like such a beautifully put and deeply thoughtful statement, but you never know when you get to the end what it really was about.
Anyway, the dreams I had were really sweet and I wish I had them recorded somehow. And I only have dreams like that… well, on a regular basis my dreams are incredibly vivid and I remember them with minute detail. But they get super intense when I’m on cold medicine or when I sleep with a migraine. It fucks my head all up. My everyday dreams seem like a lot to most people. I think all people have much more to their dreams than they think. They just don’t remember. It takes practice. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my dreams. I used to record them by writing them out every morning. Doing that helps your recall process and changes the way you remember them forever. You have to want it though. It’s interesting exploring your own mind as if it’s not a part of you, like it’s someone else’s.
I think that’s where the pleasure comes in. Though migraines hurt a lot and you have (quite seriously) moments where you would rather just die than feel that shit any longer, pain like that strips you down to your essentials, to the barest sense of you. Something else deeper wants to survive and get better and it’s like that part of yourself comes vibrantly out of its shell and feeling it is nice. It’s so primal and animalistic.
I fell asleep again by 4 and woke up a little after 7, got ready for work. I had taken an Aleve and that usually completely erases my migraines, nothing else ever seems to work, even Excedrin. Anyway, it was gone by morning which put me in a incredibly good mood stemming purely from sheer relief. I like grading my migraines like tornadoes. That one was F4. F5 is worst. At one point I thought I was bleeding inside my head…seriously. I’ve come to terms with the fact that migraines are going to be a regular part of my life. My mom gets them, My grandma gets them. It’s genetic. So I’ve gotten used to the way they feel and know how to manage the pain. I bet if any random everyday person who’s never had a migraine before had the migraine I had last night they would’ve gone to the emergency room. Ha.
I think with immense pain, it's never the pain itself that I like. I’m no masochist. Part of it is about the relief afterwards. Seems a microcosm to a whole life. Think of everyday without any kind of suffering or hardship. Everything’s ok, good, perfect even! ...but it would become so banal after awhile…. so unbearably dull. You’d be missing the passion to get better, to thrive, resist, fight, overcome… lacking that is worse than any pain.
I ate some chicken from Wal-Mart yesterday and it tasted fine, but no more than an hour after it went down my stomach was turning and I could feel that sluggy feeling in my blood when I’ve consumed something unhealthy, usually preservatives or chemicals they put in food. I’m very sensitive to that stuff. A lot of it really hurts me and I feel miserable almost always, except when I don’t eat much at all. When I go a whole day without eating is when I feel best, hungry yes, but fucking a lot better than what most food does to me. I think I have an overly sensitive digestive tract. Luckily I don’t get heartburn but sometimes I feel like I swallowed razor blades and it’s dragging along my small intestine. Water helps.
I probably need a highly specialized diet but I guess I don’t want to become that finicky or categorize myself as one of those pain in the ass girls that cant be pleased. Cause I’m not like that. It’s just my body.
I should just eat pure vegetables, all fresh and organic for a month. Nothing prepared in boxes or frozen. Lean fresh meats like fish, tuna, chicken. No fast no food. No eating out. I bet I’d feel way better. But my social life doesn’t fit that nor does a sense of fun or just convenience. It’s easier to just eat less snacks and junk. But once in a while I eat something like that. I don’t think a whole lot about it really. I mean thinking about how I should formulate my diet, though I should be thinking about it. I think about the discomfort and it makes me not want to eat. oh and saltine crackers are my best friend. They always ease upset stomach and indigestion. And they help me go to sleep. That with skim milk. It makes me like a baby. Crackers like that (not Ritz or any other trans fat nightmare) are simple enough that my body likes it. I like the fat free ones because they are so dry and I love that texture to food. Most people would find it to be like cardboard but I think it’s perfect simple staple food. Nothing extravagant or gourmet. Nothing fancy and about palate pleasure. Crackers are about soothing.
Anyway, so that chicken from Wal-Mart must have had preservatives in it or MSG or something. Because I felt sick to my stomach right afterwards. Then I could feel it in my brain, like a tightening restricting feeling inside my skull. I knew a headache was coming. I started drinking lots of water to flush it but it wasn’t going to help. By the time I got home, I felt oddly so exhausted (although I don’t know if the tiredness had anything to do with the chicken) I went to bed at 8. I woke up at midnight after having a series of really fucked up dreams. And my head hurt so bad I honestly think I know what it must feel like to have a screwdriver stabbed into your brain along the eyeball to where it rips through but doesn’t kill you. I lay there exasperated by pain. I think I hallucinated a little to be honest. I was half awake and started lucidly dreaming (where you control the dream and are fully aware that you are dreaming) It was actually pretty creative and it made me start thinking about how the things we think as beautiful in art are really the product of brain damage. It comes from fucked up people who have a mental disorder…which if you break true psychological disorders down they are some sort of brain damage or unbalanced brain chemistry. Not to diminish mental disorders as a genuine medical field or oversimplify them. I meant no offense. But you know…
Crazy people always make the coolest stuff. If you’ve ever read the statement Charlie Manson gave in court you sit there and think, “what the bloody hell is he talking about?” and you keep reading and it seems like such a beautifully put and deeply thoughtful statement, but you never know when you get to the end what it really was about.
Anyway, the dreams I had were really sweet and I wish I had them recorded somehow. And I only have dreams like that… well, on a regular basis my dreams are incredibly vivid and I remember them with minute detail. But they get super intense when I’m on cold medicine or when I sleep with a migraine. It fucks my head all up. My everyday dreams seem like a lot to most people. I think all people have much more to their dreams than they think. They just don’t remember. It takes practice. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my dreams. I used to record them by writing them out every morning. Doing that helps your recall process and changes the way you remember them forever. You have to want it though. It’s interesting exploring your own mind as if it’s not a part of you, like it’s someone else’s.
I think that’s where the pleasure comes in. Though migraines hurt a lot and you have (quite seriously) moments where you would rather just die than feel that shit any longer, pain like that strips you down to your essentials, to the barest sense of you. Something else deeper wants to survive and get better and it’s like that part of yourself comes vibrantly out of its shell and feeling it is nice. It’s so primal and animalistic.
I fell asleep again by 4 and woke up a little after 7, got ready for work. I had taken an Aleve and that usually completely erases my migraines, nothing else ever seems to work, even Excedrin. Anyway, it was gone by morning which put me in a incredibly good mood stemming purely from sheer relief. I like grading my migraines like tornadoes. That one was F4. F5 is worst. At one point I thought I was bleeding inside my head…seriously. I’ve come to terms with the fact that migraines are going to be a regular part of my life. My mom gets them, My grandma gets them. It’s genetic. So I’ve gotten used to the way they feel and know how to manage the pain. I bet if any random everyday person who’s never had a migraine before had the migraine I had last night they would’ve gone to the emergency room. Ha.
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